I Can Breathe

Just over a week ago, I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I made an appointment with my Doctor to be put on anxiety medication. It’s been 3.5 years since I’ve been medicated, and I absolutely hated it. I didn’t feel like myself. I had my appointment and shared concerns with my Doctor about how my last medication (Zoloft), made me feel like an emotionless robot. He suggested that I try Lexapro, because he hasn’t seen any serious side effects. He told me that it will take about a month for my body to get used to the medication, and until then I may experience some side effects that will go away over the course of that month.

I’m starting week two of the medication, and week one was hell. I was keeping a daily journal about my side effects, and how I was handling each day, but I felt it was repetitive. The first few days of the medication I hardly slept, and had to rely on sleeping pills to get any rest. That made me groggy during the day, and mixed with Lexapro my days were hard to get through. I’ve also been very depressed. I know that’s normal when starting a new anxiety medication, but it’s really making it hard to function normally.

I don’t have much of an appetite, and have already lost weight. Sometimes I don’t even realize I haven’t eaten, and have often been forcing myself to eat. Even when I do get hungry, nothing sounds good. My stomach is constantly upset, and I have nausea half the time. Sometimes I’m so focused that I don’t even blink. I’ve been getting muscle aches, especially in my legs and lower back. I get loopy and dizzy, and sometimes my vision is blurry. I feel like I have every side effect possible right now.

However, with all these bad side effects, I’ve also noticed a difference with my anxiety. I can breathe. I don’t remember the last time I was able to breathe normally. The tightness in my chest has become a rarity. And yesterday, for a short while, I felt complete peace. When I noticed my mind was silent, I couldn’t stop smiling. It didn’t last long, but it felt so good I almost cried. I’m very hopeful that this will all be worth it.

I’m so grateful for Alpha. He’s been so patient and kind during my journey. He got me out of the house yesterday, and took me to one of my favorite places. I really need the fresh air, red rock, and fallen leaves on dirt trails. He took some photos of me since I’ve been feeling too down to model or do any photography. Being in nature with him makes everything better.


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