I don’t know why you exist. You hurt me, and so many people that I know and love. I wish I knew why you get to decide how my day is going to go. Today I celebrate 8 years of being with the love of my life, but you’re making my body hurt, and you’re making your friend OCD take over my mind so I can’t enjoy it like I should. Yesterday, you literally made me feel like I was going crazy. And the day before that, you made me late to work, because I was so dysfunctional I couldn’t even put my makeup on without shaking.
Why do you settle down for a period of time, just to come back punching and swinging for days upon days? Why do you make it so hard for me to take part in social activities? I want to see my friends without feeling like I need to cancel last minute. I want to enjoy conversations with people. But I can’t, because you control my social life like the moon controls ocean.
I thought I was over the little triggers that used to consume me, but you’ve proven that you can bring back my demons at any time with no warning. Thinking about you makes it worse, but you’re stuck to my mind like the tattoos on my skin. I can’t go a single day without you having some sort of effect on me. I can’t just wake up and tell myself it’s going to be a good day. I may look okay to people on the outside, but you’re like a pack of wolves, and I can feel you breathing on my neck while baring your fangs.
But do you want to know the worst thing? You make me fear that I’m a burden on the people I love. I constantly ask myself how anyone would want to be around a person like me. A person who acts tough, but is as fragile as withering flower. I can’t image what it’s like being with someone as dysfunctional as you make me.
Please anxiety. I just ask you to give me a break. I ask that you let me have control over my mind. My insides need some peace and quiet before they consume themselves in darkness. My lungs need you to stop holding them so tight so they can breathe. And my head needs more room to fill with thoughts of the beauty of the universe. But most of all, my heart needs to heal so I can enjoy my life with the people I have in it.